How Unicorn Poop is Made

Danielle Vincent

Posted on April 01 2016


People (especially children) often ask us, "How is unicorn poop made?"

This is a very good question, since we are very transparent about nearly all of our business practices and have, to this point, been somewhat hesitant to share our methods. Not only is competition in the unicorn poop market fierce, we also didn't want to open ourselves to a media relations nightmare if our quarters weren't to PETA standards.

Of course, we at Outlaw Soaps are committed to keeping our products cruelty-free, and that especially applies to mythical creatures (and our dogs - but does not extend to spiders or house centipedes or live unicorns at homemosquitoes). We knew from the beginning that if we were going to harvest unicorn poop (to sell as soap), we had to ensure our unicorns were free-range and well-treated.

So we have taken every measure to ensure that our unicorns are given freedom and a safe, comfortable place to live.

But where do we get our unicorns? I'm so glad you asked!

One of our unicorns shared this story:

I was born a human female in the United States of America. Imagine my surprise at the transformation. I went from two legs, a couple arms, a pair of hands and some boobs, to a mythical equestrian goddess, complete with a glorious horn hewn from crystal and the joyful tears of God.
My emergence from the shower was cautious. I’m sure our house architects didn't intend for our tiny bathroom to contain a beast from unicorn poop in actionanother universe. The shower curtain spread across my lean, smooth back like a cape as I stepped out onto the tiny and insignificant bathmat. I shook my mane of silver horse-tresses and peered at myself in the mirror. Holy f*ck. I am a unicorn. The shock sent waves of panic coursing through my belly and a single glittering turd fell from my regal and majestic ass.
Yes. That’s how unicorn poop soap is made.

 

You may have seen photos of us "making" the unicorn poop:

 Unicorn Poop being made in our shop

Well, I'll admit to a little trickery here.

As you can see from this Google search, unicorns poop solid rainbows.

We actually take the solid rainbows and bring them to our shop so we can create the illusion that it is actually handmade soap. Trust me, that has been a very elaborate ruse to maintain.

So next time you're scrubbing your glittery, sherbet-scented self up with some unicorn poop, just think of the free-range unicorns who have made their home in our home.

unicorns among us

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